SEVENTEEN STEPS !
This artical is profoundly inspired after spending eight 'hilarious' hours inside a studio ( yes, for professional-only reasons ) with a rock band in session. They are trying to score a 'hinglish' hit for a bollywood movie. Yes baby ! the rock(wise) have arrived .. never mind a couple decades later, and just bout realizing the hickory dickory of rock&roll and the involved stardom within. Yet the road to a celebrity life studded with fame and money can be tricky if you end up with the wrong band, or the wrong intentions or even the wrong manager. Rock & Roll is not about the music or climbing the 'artistic everest' .. it's about selling your soul to the devil .. it's about getting it 'on' with beautiful women .. it's about drinking all day and all night long .. it's about owning a mansion .. and not remaining an unnoticed 'nerd musician' all your life !
Here Are Seventeen Easy Steps To Attain Rock $tardom !
STEP 1 . Once you realize you want to be a world famous rocker .. Die ! The good die young and their post life celebrity status is ever exalted ! Remember the adoration & admiration that young and savage rock musicians receive after they die .. " a dead rocker is worth a lot more than an alive one " declared the A&R headman at L.A. Records, way back 1988 - The prized 27 club still rules ! Hendrix, Morrison, Whinehouse, Lennon, Joplin, Staley, Moon, Byron, Curtis, Burton ... They all are basking (from the heavens) as we speak, in the minds of millions of hapless fans followed by millions of websites, clubs and cafes and newer listeners around the world ..Take note that this revered list is almost getting full ! Heart Attack, Drug Overdose, Accident, Cancer, Electrocution or even AIDS, the choices to perish are plenty, as long as you want to conquer the holy grail of 'rockstardom' at a young and virile age. Recent studies in America have revealed, that the average age of a rock musician is down to 38.5 years !
STEP 2 . Grow your hair, grow a goatee, get leather, get chains, eye liners, the works ! Spike your ego with outrage and build an electrifying and revolting attitude ! and let it 'all' hang out. The wild child of the 70's femme rock alter, Joan Baez sang her truest (in her most diabolic career) - as she penned the lyrics .. " the unwashed phenomenon and the original vagabond if you be .. the madonna is yours for free ! Women love an unkempt rocker. The brash, whimsy and that 'always heading for a fall' attitude will bring you the much needed female attention and company. In case you were misunderstood by your mother, ridiculed by your elder sister, trashed by your science teacher, dumped by your high school girlfriend - all those painful retrograde feelings can be fixed and done with ! Attitude is the single most powerful charm (weapon) that an aspiring rock star must use in real life and onstage ! Axl Rose & Steven Tyler wouldn't be so famous if they tried their luck at sound engineering, classical piano or poetry .. would they ?
STEP 3 . Get your rhymes sorted! Become an instant pop-poetic legend ! ( theres no better way into the heads and hearts of the masses than a simple rhyme . You can do it too ! come up with an everlasting chorus like "we will we will .. rock you". Sprinkle a dash of nostalgia, unrequited love and lament, teenage angst and disillusionment when the reporters enquire about the source of your inspiration ! Make up bullshit stories about you being arrested, molested and traumatized in your childhood. The world notices a victim, adores a martyr ! It was the Beatles official qoute which sums it all up " Our music is capable of causing emotional instability, disorganized behavior, rebellion and even revolution."
STEP 4 . Jimi Hendrix asked everyone " Are You Experienced ? " Do every known drug in the world ! (make sure you do this before step 1). Prolonged and excessive indulgence in psychedelic drugs was the 'in thing ' of the 70s. Crack & Cocaine was the bread butter of the 80's glam rock era. Acid, Speed & Ecstasy has been in fashion since the 90s. Marijuana, Hashish, Psilocybin, Magic Mushrooms and such naturally high things have been around even before mankind invented rock&roll ! The hedonism of binging on drugs & alcohol makes every rocker appear ever more cooler. The media and tabloid hounds love the perplexed and dark enigma of a drugged out rocker. Audiences will hail your name, as you make a shocking spectacle of a wasted rock star. After all, Marilyn Manson was not horsing around when he wrote his international chart topper " I don't like the drugs, the drugs like me ".
STEP 5 . Don't listen to any music, other than rock & roll ! Pop, Classical, Disco, Hip Hop, Bossa Nova, Folk, Oriental, Country, Ambient, Jazz etc is a complete waste of time and most often very frustrating and time consuming to understand and even learn. Inside the realms of pure rock & roll legacy it is considered a shameful 'sellout' to listen and learn from other forms of music. Concepts of ear training, musical harmony, composition and research are looked down upon, as something totally lame and for losers ! Years of listening to Metallica, Guns & Roses, Nirvana, Iron Maiden, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and The Doors will enable you to live inside the dark chasm of purity ! You must feel your home is the scared bat's tomb or perhaps Satan's demonic alter of rock & roll. Thou shalt not forget " Ignorance is bliss "
STEP 6 . Create and foster myths ! Always appear above the ordinary, and away from the banal path of daily life. Keep the medium blurry ! People love to jibe and chew upon an enigma. You must manufacture such illusions and diabolic situations in your songs and your interviews. For example, your new your hit single when heard in reverse is a prayer to Satan .. Your dream experience of roaming naked on mars .. or the messages send to you by Alister Crowley himself in your stoned comatose. Visit Shamans, Hermits, Occult leaders and such heretics for further inspiration, helping you with deeper ideas, sorting the harangue of song writing !
STEP 7 . Choose an "over-the-top" girlfriend ! Make sure she is rich, whimsy and totally clueless about good music. You are worth nothing less ! Is vital to project that sense of emotional struggle, the compounding and crashing of your love life and the heart-wrenching effect of denial ! These are very powerful and iconic tools to draw the attention on tabloids, television, paparazzi and leagues of over-the-top fans who want a piece of you anytime and anywhere. Appear unnerved and lost in your relationships with people at large. Such feelings should pour out, when you meet the saucy journalist or the suave public relations manager. Remember the cheesy U2 lyrics " I cant live .. with or without you " - it did make a multi million dollar hit for years & years!
STEP 8 . Make sure you eventually go deaf ! This is easily accomplished by playing your instrument above 100 decibels, every day, for 6 months or so ! (In case you are a singer, make sure your band plays so loudly that you can never hear your own voice and words)
STEP 9. Get yourself a good lawyer ! This is a crucial necessity in your success to becoming financially stable, as and when your songs become a hit. A good lawyer ( and not an honest one ) will be your key to getting out of messy and illegal situations as well. Rock-stars love to sue people at the drop of a hat ! After all, little do the folks know that it was a good lawyer that was responsible for Tommy Lee to successfully sue a paraplegic millionaire, on grounds of sexual harassment !
STEP 10. GET NOTICED ! We all know that Rock & Roll has influenced daily life, fashion, attitudes and language in a way few other social systems have. You have to be dressed (or undressed) to kill ! If your into the glam side of rock music, you would need colorful hair like blue, green and red ! Tattoos are a must on your body ( especially on and around your private parts ) . Piercing your face and your body with jewels is also important ! Your cloths need to be bright colorful outfits with lots of glitter and glow. For the Punk rockers, spike your hair and dye it with toxic chemicals ! Studs, leather, bandanas, jewelry, belts and wrist bands are a must. Black nails reveal that really dark demeanor of your character and don't forget the skulls (Put them everywhere on your body and instruments). Your reference idols could be Iggy Pop, Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson and The Grateful Dead !
STEP 11. Immortalize yourself ! Get yourself a biography deal and someone capable of writing your sordid saga for the world to read ! Thousands of fans will cue to buy this book the day you die or as and when your career is dwindling with poor sales and bad reviews. Be sure to save your most daring secrets, kinky fetishes, dark fantasies and disreputable incidents for this 'prima facie' publication. Again, you need to make sure, that a good lawyer and a diligent writer work in tandem, in order to get you the most successful results from your ignoble and most decisive biography !
STEP 12. Missing step ! ( consult the Shaman or the Devil )
STEP 13. Sing and write for the victims of the world ! Every rocker (just once) should appear to be benevolent & deeply moved and concerned with the state of the world ! We all are aware of the shining career paths of artists such as Sting, Bono, Stevie Wonder, Beatles, Phil Collins and Elton John who actually didn't die so young ! Instead they made millions (again and again) singing about the poor, the homeless, the africans, the vietnamese, the hunger stricken, the doomed and the persecuted, the seals, the lions and anything else left to victimize via songs in this world at large.
STEP 14. Eat animals on stage ! This is a sure shot way to achieve cult status amongst red necks, skin heads, neo nazi rockers, old skool punks, truckers, hell angels and a whole load of carnivorous listeners of rock & roll ! Spend private time thoroughly rehearsing your stage act - Spit blood, breath fire, drink straight from the bottle, chain and whip willing men & women on stage, while your band tackles the music ! After all, Ozzie Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Kiss & Lita Ford didn't become over-night sensations without their dedicated submission to the devil incarnate and his bestial desires. Do not attempt all these stunts without seeking professional & medical expertise. Many a rockers have almost died, after gouging on rotten flesh and tearing off a bats head without making sure their 'raw lunch' was sterilized in the first place!
STEP 15. INSURE YOURSELF ! Protect yourself from every known bodily harm and be legally covered. Rock musicians are especially prone to calamities, and you too might face an untowardly incident in your fledgling years. As an artist you have the right to protect your voice, your instrument, your hair, your face, your fingers and even your balls ! You may fall off stage because you were so ' high '. You may be attacked by a bird while chilling in your mansion. You may be assaulted by a rival band member's jealous outrage ! Your nasty ill-tempered girlfriend may smash your favorite guitar ! You may succumb to some fatal tropical fever during your world tour. You may break a leg trying to run away from the police after a busted drug deal ! You may be hit by a speeding bus while crossing the road .. the possibilities are endless ! Remember how the jazz maestro Miles Davis, claimed half a million dollars from insurance, after he was beaten up and mugged right outside his favorite jazz club in New York !
STEP 16. Goto exile or go A.W.O.L ! when the following happens ...
a) the bills of your debauchery exceed your future royalties ten times over !
b) the groupie gets pregnent !
c) your record labels enquires about the new album ?
d) your mother takes up barbituates to combat the noise and tension !
e) your bandmates kick you out of the group on grounds of insanity and bad behavior !
e) when it appears all too uncertain .. and you feel that your master (satan) has left you in the sunlight !!
STEP 17 The pivotal end-step ! Declare that your life has been a complete and vagrant waste ! Further fuel the controversy by confessing that your rockstar status is worth nothing .. and that you have transcended into immortal proclivity .. Denounce all previous fame and go forth claiming your final salvation by leaving this mortal world, forever ..
The suggested steps have been scientifically approved by industry specialists of rock & heavy metal music - Who, having exploited thousands of eager artists continously over the last 40 years of this rising mass youth culture, do make RockStarDumb possible.
This article was originally written in 2010. Re-edited & ' jacked up ' for Maxim Magazine India. Printed Feature - March Issue 2012. (blogdate January 2010 - altered for pro-piracy policy - freemedia version 2012)
